


Reflections of an Immortal Being

by Toomanyfandoms99



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-08-24 12:45:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16640384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toomanyfandoms99/pseuds/Toomanyfandoms99
Summary: Their names all blended together after a while.The Doctor eventually couldn’t remember names before the Time War.  The war that began so long ago, and yet would never end.  A fixed point in time.  The Doctor’s race always fighting.  Always losing.  Always dying and being reborn and dying again.  A never-ending loop.The first name the Doctor remembered was Rose.





	Reflections of an Immortal Being

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy!

Their names all blended together after a while.

The Doctor eventually couldn’t remember names before the Time War. The war that began so long ago, and yet would never end. A fixed point in time. The Doctor’s race always fighting. Always losing. Always dying and being reborn and dying again. A never-ending loop.

The first name the Doctor remembered was Rose.

A rose by any other name…

It was best he not finish that sentence.

Rose taught the Doctor how to love again. She arrived in his life after escaping his fate as an infinitely-living and infinitely-dying soldier on Gallifrey. The Doctor was lost and completely alone. 

Who knew a woman of average intelligence and above average bravery would be the birth and death of him?

The Doctor was reborn upon meeting Rose, but he also felt the sting of a thousand deaths when he couldn’t save her.

His neglect with Martha after this devastating event made him feel terrible the more he ruminated on it, years and years later.

Martha was so good. So brave. So smart.

Loving him was almost a fatal flaw. Almost. Martha lived. She rebelled. She thrived. She persevered.

The Doctor was proud of her. Martha was one of the few who didn’t die indirectly by his hand.

The only problem? The Doctor couldn’t see her anymore. She wouldn’t recognize him. His face changed quite often.

In the Doctor’s mind, Martha was both alive and dead. When he travelled to twenty-first century Earth, he knew she was alive somewhere. But their friendship was long gone.

The Doctor also ruined the life of one Captain Jack Harkness. Made him immortal. Made him suffer as the Doctor did.

The Doctor saw him sometimes. Ran into him when he was traveling alone. Sometimes, Jack was older. Other times, Jack was younger, beginning a new life cycle.

He finds Jack in the strangest places. Different places every time. On planets throughout various star systems. In space ports. In dingy intergalactic bars. On Earth, unknowing of his powers, unknowing that aliens existed. In all different time periods. In all centuries. Everywhere and nowhere all at once.

The Doctor thinks the TARDIS is doing this to him on purpose. To remind him of what he had done. How he couldn’t escape it.

Sometimes, Jack remembered him. Other times, Jack thought he was just a stranger.

The Doctor kept a tally of the amount of times Jack flirted with him, no matter what the time or what the circumstances. He always rolled his eyes and didn’t take it seriously.

His next companion was Donna. A temp who almost married an alien. Someone to keep the Doctor on his toes. Someone that he considered a true friend. Someone that always kept the Doctor’s mind from wandering to depressing topics.

The Doctor relied on Donna too much. That became apparent when he had to let her go.

Let her go, or she would surely die.

The Doctor erased memories from her head. Donna wouldn’t remember him. That was okay.

The Doctor didn’t remember much of anything, anymore. That was why he had to repeat the names like a mantra.

Rose, Martha, Jack, Donna. Rose Tyler. Martha Jones. Jack Harkness. Donna Noble.

Who was next?

Ah, right.

Amelia. Amy Pond.

Amy, like Donna, kept the Doctor on his toes. It was something he desperately needed. A swift kick to the arse.

Her husband, Rory, was a bit of a disappointment in the Doctor’s eyes at first. But the lengths to which Rory went to keep Amy safe was truly commendable.

It wasn’t like Amy needed saving. Rory usually needed saving. But Rory tried his best. The best is all one could do, really.

The Doctor grew to adore them both. But of course, they died for him. Two people to add to the list of unnecessary deaths to save the Doctor.

And oh, that brought up River. His River Song.

The woman he married. The woman whose timeline went in reverse in comparison to his.

It was a true Shakespearean tragedy. The Doctor truly loved her. Ached for her. In a way he never had with anyone else before.

When would he learn not to get too close?

Never, it seemed.

The Doctor was resigned to a life of love and pain. The bundle of contradictions that was River Song was Exhibit A of this phenomenon.

Just thinking her name was painful. It was best not to ruminate on his wife. How he never knew if she was alive or dead. How she was most certainly dead in his timeline, a result of a younger him’s hubris and naivety.

Didn’t the younger Doctor know River would be everything to him? His entire universe?

He didn’t. And that made it all the more awful.

The Doctor loved her still. This made him understand a very human thing: a part of him will always love her. For eternity. And it hurt. It was duller now, but it hurt.

Clara intrigued him from the very start. She was everywhere he looked, in the same manner Jack was. Different versions of the same woman appeared in different time periods on different planets, all of them unique and yet wore the same face.

A reverse form of the Doctor, in other words.

School-teacher Clara is the version he became close with. They travelled the stars, and the Doctor developed a fondness for her. Not in the same way he loved Rose, but still. A twinge of something was there.

The Doctor pushed it down. Ignored it. He was an old man by this point. Clara was a young woman. It wouldn’t be right.

Clara seemed to understand this thing between them too. Neither of them acted on it. And it was truly wonderful that they didn’t. The Doctor wouldn’t know what to do if he fell in love again. The open wound River left on his heart was still fresh.

Clara was soon added to the list of people who died for the Doctor.

Nardole and Bill came as a sort of package deal.

Who knew that a robot man and an eccentric woman would be his next team of companions?

The Doctor did what he always did. Travelled the universe with his new companions. Loved and lost along the way. Saved some people. Became the end of others.

Bill and Nardole got out in the end, thankfully. They had good lives. Died old.

Seeing Bill in the afterlife was a blip of contact that the Doctor would rather forget about.

Now, the Doctor was a woman. She had three companions. The Doctor couldn’t remember the last time she had three companions traveling with her regularly.

It was time to start an adventure anew. It was the Doctor’s own time loop. An eventuality that couldn’t be escaped. The Doctor was stuck in this circle. Round and round she went. Breaking the loop would mean returning to an eternal war. This loop was much nicer. 

Still horrible, but nicer.

The Doctor made sure to remember the names of the companions that left her. The Doctor would try her best not to forget.

Rose Tyler. Martha Jones. Jack Harkness. Donna Noble. Amy Pond. Rory Williams. River Song. Clara Oswald. Nardole. Bill Potts.

Their sacrifices would never be in vain.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are appreciated!


End file.
